What are you doing right now?  Well, obviously you’re ready this blog.  But why are you reading it?  You’re probably looking for a way to feel better.  So, you’re taking an action in an attempt to make that happen.  What does that reinforce in your psyche?  Among other things, it reinforces that no matter how powerless or hopeless you might feel, no matter how low your self-esteem might be, you’re still worth the effort of researching.  It reinforces in your psyche that there must be a way to feel better.  It reinforces that you are capable of taking action. 

Now, what if you had told yourself that there’s no point in trying and you hadn’t gotten online to start doing a little research into finding a therapist?  What would that have reinforced?  Maybe it would have reinforced that you aren’t capable of making a small effort, that your situation can’t be improved, or that you aren’t worth the effort.  What would be the implications of that in terms of depression, anxiety, addiction, etc.?

The ego (the way we see ourselves, and subsequently the way we engage the world around us) is an accumulation of thoughts, feelings, and experiences.  The way I see and feel about myself and therefore the decisions I make today, are influenced by the way I saw and felt about myself and the decisions I made yesterday.

As children we learn to cope with stressors, including trauma, in many different ways.  We collect those tools of coping, some of which are more reliable than others, day after day.  Those tools (decisions) influence the way that people respond to us, which influences the way we see ourselves.  And how we respond to stressors shapes what we see ourselves as capable of doing.

Here’s an example:  When I ran an outpatient program for children and adolescents, sometimes a client would start to feel anxious.  Because they, their parents, and other therapists had used the term “panic attack” so often, they would start to see “heightened anxiety” as a panic attack.  Since panic attacks often do require immediate intervention, they would ask for a medication in that moment.  With a calm, assured tone and affect, one of my responses was something to the effect of “Yeah I can get that for you.  Give me five minutes and let’s go get it together.”  The client would usually have the experience of being able to tolerate something they didn’t think they could tolerate.  They begin to see themselves in a slightly different manner, which influences what they think they can do next time.  And next time, I would have them give me two more minutes than last time.

We don’t always realize that we have an option to respond differently and therefore see ourselves differently.  Everything reinforces something.