Parenting might be the hardest job there is.  There are very few breaks.  The stakes are high.  There’s really no way to do it perfectly.  There’s a particular kind of fear that only parents feel.  That fear can sometimes blur their vision and lead to lapses in parental judgment.  Over the last nineteen years I’ve probably worked with 5000 kids and families, so my sample size is large and diverse.  Based on that, I have these parenting tips:

1. Parents often ask for help in determining an appropriate and effective consequence.  Truthfully, I don’t even use the word “consequence” very often these days.  I prefer “response.”  Although important, the content of the response is less important than the follow through.  Parents sometimes don’t follow through completely because it’s inconvenient, they feel guilty because their child is unhappy about the response, they want their child to “like” them, they forget, they think their child has learned their lesson, they want the complaining to end, and a lot of other reasons.  EVERYTHING REINFORCES SOMETHING.  Not following through on a response does teach something.  It teaches that stated limits aren’t actual limits.  It teaches that escalating behavior by screaming or complaining is a way out of accountability.  It teaches poor boundary setting.  You know who has difficulty setting and holding boundaries as adults?  Every new person that walks through my office door.  So…take a beat to come up with your response.  Make it something that you can follow through with.  Once you state the response (set the boundary,) follow through (hold the boundary.)
   
2. Parents set the foundation on which the child grows.  Parents must present a united front.  Never undermine each other in front of the children.  EVERYTHING REINFORCES SOMETHING.  That teaches the child that one parent is mean and overreacting when they enforce a limit.  It reinforces that what that parent thinks and feels doesn’t have to be respected because you, the other parent, isn’t respecting them.  That is not fair to your partner or your child.  If you think the other parent is overly emotional in the moment, have a nonverbal cue that lets them know it’s ok to tap out because you’ll back them up.  After that, parents can discuss it outside of the child’s presence.  At that time, adjustments can be made.  Disagreements can be heard.  When you follow up with the child, it must be presented as “we.”  Do not tell your kids “Your father wants this…” or “Your mother says…”  Picture each parent holding an end of a board.  On that board is a glass of water.  If parents aren’t operating as a team, one end of the board raises or drops.  The cup doesn’t have a solid foundation and will spill or tip over.  Work as a team by communicating and making adjustments. 
   
3. The number one question I ask parents is this.  “Does your child know you’re passionate about being their parent?”  If you think they do, what makes you believe that?  Working to earn money to provide a roof doesn’t convey that passion.  Showing up to some games and looking at your phone doesn’t convey that passion.  Energy, directed toward them conveys passion.  Energy directed to a common task, alongside them conveys passion.  Curiosity conveys passion.  Get down on their level and engage with them.  You don’t like Pokemon?  Neither do I.  So what?  Spend some time expressing curiosity about the things your child is interested in, even if it’s Pokemon.  When they find the next thing they’re interested in, show curiosity about that.  Be curious about their thoughts and feelings.  This is one of the most important building blocks of self-worth.  If a person doesn’t know that their caretakers are passionate and interested in them, how can they trust that anyone else really is?  How can they trust that they don’t have to alter themselves to have people want them?

Obviously, this is just the tip of the iceberg.  There will be another part or ten.

Also, I followed through on my commitment from the previous post because just like I said, doing so impacts the way I see myself.