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Get Better at Feeling Bad

I don’t want to feel “bad.”  I don’t want to feel depressed or anxious or small or insecure or overwhelmed.  I doubt you want to feel those emotions, either.    Clients come in all the time looking to feel better, to not feel those difficult emotions.  Earlier in my career, my goal was to help clients in that pursuit.  Now, that’s still A goal in my work.  But it’s not THE goal.  Now, another goal is to get better at feeling bad.

People struggle with feeling pain.  We try to fix it, run from it, deny it; anything we can do to avoid having to experience it.  That fear and avoidance drives addiction.  It creates additional (delayed-onset) pain when we engage in unhealthy behaviors and thought patterns in order to avoid the feelings that we fear.  This creates a cycle of pain, fear, and avoidance that gains momentum the more often we engage in it.

The driver of this self-perpetuating cycle isn’t the hard emotion.  It’s the fear that the emotion will be unbearable.  I frequently tell clients that I don’t believe in the concept of boredom.  I think “boredom” is the name we give to empty space and time in which we start to feel difficult emotions.  When a client says, “I’m not good at being bored” I ask, “what do you start to think about and feel when you’re bored?”

Many people will avoid “boredom” because they’re afraid of what they might have to think about and feel.  They’re afraid of how painful it might be.  The problem, then, isn’t the pain; it’s the fear of pain.  The more we avoid pain, the more our psyche sees it as something worth avoiding.

We’ve got to get better at feeling bad.  We’ve got to stop seeing it as an end point in which we’ll be stuck.  Pain is a part of life.  Pain is a transient experience.  It’s not the enemy.  If we see it as those things, we can remove some of its power.  With that mindset we can know that it doesn’t have to be something we’ll be willing to avoid at all costs. 

I’ve been told that the difference between cows and buffalo is this: when a storm is approaching, cows will try to run away from it, getting caught in the rain for a longer period of time.  Buffalo will head into the storm, allowing them to be rained on for a shorter period of time.  Be a buffalo.  Get better at feeling bad by allowing yourself to feel bad.

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Gratitude Lists

Writing gratitude lists is one of those suggestions that you hear from therapists all the time.  Truthfully, I think sometimes it’s a recommendation that’s made because it’s the therapist thing to do.  But I suggest it all the time.  So how do you know that I’m not recommending it out of habit?  I recommend it because I make my gratitude list daily, and I can attest to its benefits.

First, most of us need structure; a skeleton for our days, upon which we can build.  Gratitude lists are a part of that structure for me.  Every morning involves making my list followed by a meditation.  Approaching my morning in a deliberate way puts me in the driver’s seat for the rest of the day.  The content of my gratitude list is less important than the act of following through with the commitment.  The way I see myself impacts my behavior, which impacts the way I see myself.  Being able to move through the rest of my day with the knowledge that I kept my commitment to myself helps keep negative self-talk at bay.  It allows me to feel advocated for.  It helps me feel like I’m a man of integrity who follows through on his word even when no one is watching.  I carry this around with me.  Contrast this with having the knowledge that I just chose not to do the thing I know is good for me, and that instead I squandered that time – I don’t want that feeling.  Given the choice between the two, I pick the healthy pride.

Second, how many people open their eyes in the morning just to immediately grab their phone and look at social media or the news?  Think about the direction in which that points you.  You’re already greeting others before you’ve greeted yourself.  You’re receiving everyone else’s “information,” or more accurately being bombarded by messages that lead to comparisons, emotional upheaval, and negativity before you’re on solid ground.  Now, imagine the impact on your mind and body if you spend a few minutes in gratitude for what YOU have rather than looking at what others have, a few minutes thinking about what’s RIGHT in your life before thinking about what’s wrong in the world.   Start your day with positives.

Third, taking a few minutes to sit and take stock of the positive things in my life helps me feel more present, more tethered to the moment rather than swept up in the past or future.  Spending a few minutes in gratitude requires me to pause and look around.  I’m a little prone to some existential angst, which takes me out of the moment and robs me of the little joys.  Writing down some things that I am genuinely grateful for helps the here and now feel more important, even though it’s a blip in the grand scheme of time.

I encourage everyone to spend a couple of minutes every morning giving thought to the things in their life they’re grateful for, and then writing down five.  Today my list is:

  1. It’s a rainy day.
  2. Harold and Maude
  3. This old desk
  4. I slept well.
  5. Funny texts from my sister

Also, I commit to writing another blog post within two weeks.  Now that I’ve put it out there, I have to.

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Everything Reinforces Something

What are you doing right now?  Well, obviously you’re ready this blog.  But why are you reading it?  You’re probably looking for a way to feel better.  So, you’re taking an action in an attempt to make that happen.  What does that reinforce in your psyche?  Among other things, it reinforces that no matter how powerless or hopeless you might feel, no matter how low your self-esteem might be, you’re still worth the effort of researching.  It reinforces in your psyche that there must be a way to feel better.  It reinforces that you are capable of taking action. 

Now, what if you had told yourself that there’s no point in trying and you hadn’t gotten online to start doing a little research into finding a therapist?  What would that have reinforced?  Maybe it would have reinforced that you aren’t capable of making a small effort, that your situation can’t be improved, or that you aren’t worth the effort.  What would be the implications of that in terms of depression, anxiety, addiction, etc.?

The ego (the way we see ourselves, and subsequently the way we engage the world around us) is an accumulation of thoughts, feelings, and experiences.  The way I see and feel about myself and therefore the decisions I make today, are influenced by the way I saw and felt about myself and the decisions I made yesterday.

As children we learn to cope with stressors, including trauma, in many different ways.  We collect those tools of coping, some of which are more reliable than others, day after day.  Those tools (decisions) influence the way that people respond to us, which influences the way we see ourselves.  And how we respond to stressors shapes what we see ourselves as capable of doing.

Here’s an example:  When I ran an outpatient program for children and adolescents, sometimes a client would start to feel anxious.  Because they, their parents, and other therapists had used the term “panic attack” so often, they would start to see “heightened anxiety” as a panic attack.  Since panic attacks often do require immediate intervention, they would ask for a medication in that moment.  With a calm, assured tone and affect, one of my responses was something to the effect of “Yeah I can get that for you.  Give me five minutes and let’s go get it together.”  The client would usually have the experience of being able to tolerate something they didn’t think they could tolerate.  They begin to see themselves in a slightly different manner, which influences what they think they can do next time.  And next time, I would have them give me two more minutes than last time.

We don’t always realize that we have an option to respond differently and therefore see ourselves differently.  Everything reinforces something.

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Write Anyway

Why do so many of us find it difficult to sit down and journal?  We can write to-do lists, notes to others, texts, even gratitude lists.  But there’s something about the free-form writing that gets us stuck.  For some, it’s the fear of examining difficult topics or feeling certain emotions.  In my case, I start to look at what I’m writing through the lens of what someone would think if they read it.  I’m even doing it right now.

So why is it important that I try to write this blog?  It’s important that I try because it’s difficult for me to do, because I want to improve in my writing, and because I made the commitment to myself to try.  Just like seated meditation.   Doing things mindfully isn’t that difficult for me.  I can walk mindfully, eat mindfully, even butter my toast mindfully.  But I need the seated time because it doesn’t come as easily.  I want to improve at it.  I need the seated time because I committed to doing it. 

My favorite idea in Stoic philosophy comes from Marcus Aurelius.  He discussed the idea that “the obstacle is the way.”  He wrote “the impediment to action advances action.  What stands in the way becomes the way.”  The answer to every difficult situation isn’t to just push through.  By the same token, what does it reinforce in our perception of ourselves if we default to avoiding or working around the difficult task?  I talk a lot in sessions about the idea of “process vs. content.”  In short, I think that often times, when it concerns issues that bring people to therapy, what we do can be less important than the act of doing.  Regardless of how good a meditation session is, or how good this blog entry is, the act of meditating and writing is already a success, simply because I’m doing what isn’t easy. 

Following through on what I commit to doing for others is an act of respect and love.  Following through on my commitments to myself is an act of self-respect and self-care.  It’s treating myself the way I want others to treat me.  Just because I’m the giver and the receiver doesn’t make it any less important.  Following through on my commitments to myself reinforces that I am worth effort.  I am worth struggle.  I am competent. 

So, once I click “publish,” my mission is accomplished.  I hope this resonates with someone.  But even if no one reads it, it’s an important and successful effort.