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Accurate Words

“Good” isn’t an emotion.  If I ask a client how they’re feeling and they say “good,” I remind them that’s not a feeling and it’s too nebulous.  I can guess what they mean by “good” but it’s still a guess and I might be wrong.  People use those nondescript words so often; those words that are up to interpretation.    Someone misinterpreting the word “good” may not have big consequences.  But what if you’re part of a couple on the verge of an argument, starting to become more emotional as you’re both trying to be understood?

This is probably the most important lesson I’ve learned from doing couples therapy – use words and phrases that most accurately convey a thought and emotion.  About three years ago, in a couple’s session, I watched the couple start to quickly escalate into anger despite the fact that they were saying the same thing.  They weren’t arguing opposing views.  If most anger comes from feelings of fear and powerlessness, I asked myself why they would be feeling afraid and powerless if they’re not disagreeing.  Obviously, they don’t feel understood, so they must be describing different concepts despite using the same words.  I stopped and asked them both to go into more depth about what they were hearing from each other, not what they were saying.  What was heard wasn’t exactly what was said, because what was said wasn’t exact.

There’s a split-second that happens leading up to, and during conflict couples have.  Because one or both of them is not describing something as accurately as possible, they are misunderstood, therefore unheard, leading to a disruption in the connection.  Panic and anger ensue.   Repeat this pattern long enough and couples start to exist in a state of disconnection and instability.  When this split-second moment happens in sessions I stop everything immediately and then I start to ask them clarifying questions until they realize “oh I thought you meant…”

When it happens in individual sessions, I have the same response.  Even though I’m fairly certain I know what the client means, I start asking them clarifying questions so they can refine what they’re saying in the most accurate way possible.  I’ll do this over and over until they develop the skill that allows for deeper and more informative conversations, as well as greater connection, intimacy, and peace. 

Become more nitpicky in conversations.  When it feels like a conversation has suddenly gone off the rails, stop and ask what the other person heard you say.  Stop and tell them you want to make sure you understand what they’re saying.  Give them and yourself a better chance to be understood.

Example of an interaction with inaccurate phrasing:

Partner 1: I feel like you hate me.

Partner 2: (Insulted and confused) What are you talking about?! I don’t hate you.

1: Well that’s how I feel.

2: You can’t tell me I’m doing something just because you say you feel it! I can’t take this!  I’m leaving.

Inaccurate turned accurate:

1: I feel like you hate me.

2: Hate?

1: Well, that you don’t like me.

2: What do you mean you feel it?  You believe it?

1: I don’t know.  I’m scared that you’re liking me less.

2: Is there something I’m doing that indicates I like you less?

1: You’ve been getting home later for a couple of weeks. I’m afraid that you don’t want to be around me and I’m worried you’ll leave.  Do you like being around me?

2: Of course I do.  But right now I just need more lighthearted conversation.  You’ve been upset about work for a while and I know you need to support but I don’t have the mental space to listen at the end of every day.  So I’ve been getting home later.  I was scared it would lead to a fight if I told you, so I avoided the conversation.

1: I didn’t mean to be negative.

2: I know. And I’m sorry work is stressful right now.  Let’s just make sure we have fun talk too.

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Parenting Tips Part 1

Parenting might be the hardest job there is.  There are very few breaks.  The stakes are high.  There’s really no way to do it perfectly.  There’s a particular kind of fear that only parents feel.  That fear can sometimes blur their vision and lead to lapses in parental judgment.  Over the last nineteen years I’ve probably worked with 5000 kids and families, so my sample size is large and diverse.  Based on that, I have these parenting tips:

  1. Parents often ask for help in determining an appropriate and effective consequence.  Truthfully, I don’t even use the word “consequence” very often these days.  I prefer “response.”  Although important, the content of the response is less important than the follow through.  Parents sometimes don’t follow through completely because it’s inconvenient, they feel guilty because their child is unhappy about the response, they want their child to “like” them, they forget, they think their child has learned their lesson, they want the complaining to end, and a lot of other reasons.  EVERYTHING REINFORCES SOMETHING.  Not following through on a response does teach something.  It teaches that stated limits aren’t actual limits.  It teaches that escalating behavior by screaming or complaining is a way out of accountability.  It teaches poor boundary setting.  You know who has difficulty setting and holding boundaries as adults?  Every new person that walks through my office door.  So…take a beat to come up with your response.  Make it something that you can follow through with.  Once you state the response (set the boundary,) follow through (hold the boundary.)
  2. Parents set the foundation on which the child grows.  Parents must present a united front.  Never undermine each other in front of the children.  EVERYTHING REINFORCES SOMETHING.  That teaches the child that one parent is mean and overreacting when they enforce a limit.  It reinforces that what that parent thinks and feels doesn’t have to be respected because you, the other parent, isn’t respecting them.  That is not fair to your partner or your child.  If you think the other parent is overly emotional in the moment, have a nonverbal cue that lets them know it’s ok to tap out because you’ll back them up.  After that, parents can discuss it outside of the child’s presence.  At that time, adjustments can be made.  Disagreements can be heard.  When you follow up with the child, it must be presented as “we.”  Do not tell your kids “Your father wants this…” or “Your mother says…”  Picture each parent holding an end of a board.  On that board is a glass of water.  If parents aren’t operating as a team, one end of the board raises or drops.  The cup doesn’t have a solid foundation and will spill or tip over.  Work as a team by communicating and making adjustments. 
  3. The number one question I ask parents is this.  “Does your child know you’re passionate about being their parent?”  If you think they do, what makes you believe that?  Working to earn money to provide a roof doesn’t convey that passion.  Showing up to some games and looking at your phone doesn’t convey that passion.  Energy, directed toward them conveys passion.  Energy directed to a common task, alongside them conveys passion.  Curiosity conveys passion.  Get down on their level and engage with them.  You don’t like Pokemon?  Neither do I.  So what?  Spend some time expressing curiosity about the things your child is interested in, even if it’s Pokemon.  When they find the next thing they’re interested in, show curiosity about that.  Be curious about their thoughts and feelings.  This is one of the most important building blocks of self-worth.  If a person doesn’t know that their caretakers are passionate and interested in them, how can they trust that anyone else really is?  How can they trust that they don’t have to alter themselves to have people want them?

Obviously, this is just the tip of the iceberg.  There will be another part or ten.

Also, I followed through on my commitment from the previous post because just like I said, doing so impacts the way I see myself.