Find Your Lighthouse

September 2, 2021

British comedies and Headbanger’s Ball on MTV got me through high school.  I recorded them on Saturday and Sunday and watched them over and over throughout the week.  I’d sit in school and think about them as classes dragged on.  In 1992 hair metal was dead.  Grunge was taking over the mainstream and Headbanger’s Ball was playing Alice in Chains (love em) and Soundgarden (eh.) 

On one particular night, something different came on: “Low Self Opinion” by Rollins Band.  It’s a stark looking video, filmed almost entirely in black and white.  There’s no storyline.  No scenery.  Just the band.  They’re shown as silhouettes against a white background, leading up to a silhouetted profile of the vocalist, who turns to the camera as his face is illuminated and he yells “I think you’ve got a low self-opinion, man.  I see you standing all by yourself.  Unable to express the pain of your distress, you withdraw deeper inside…”

Right in the middle of all these videos with the stereotypical metal-look comes something else. Built like a brick house, tattooed with things like “More Than Soul,” the Crimson Ghost (the Misfits logo,) the Black Flag bars, and a massive back piece of a sun with the words “Search & Destroy” written across the top is Henry Rollins.  The tattoos were done by Rick Spellman.   I know this because I was hungry for what this guy had, and I went on a hunt to get it.  Sitting on a creaky wooden chair in my dark room, watching this video, something changed.  There was a light pointing in a direction I didn’t know existed.  There was a lighthouse.

The purpose of a lighthouse is to guide ships through dangerous waters, to safety.   Henry Rollins became my lighthouse.  This guy looked solid, substantial, capable of handling what was coming at him.  He was looking straight ahead and yelling what was in my head and heart.  I immediately had something to orient myself.  But that wasn’t all.  I found a double cassette of a Rollins spoken word show.  I didn’t even know there was such a thing as spoken word performance.  It had humor but it wasn’t comedy.  He wasn’t reciting anything.  No band.  Just Rollins on stage telling stories.  Most of those stories involved hard-earned lessons, disappointments, loss, and anger.  They weren’t feel-good stories, but they allowed me to feel good because I felt less alone and I started to understand that there was more than what was right in front of me.  Through those spoken word shows I found more shows.  Through all of them I started to learn about Black Flag, John Coltrane, Harold and Maude, weightlifting, poetry, books, and a thousand other things that then led me to even more things that have become important to me. 

Although I didn’t realize it at the time, I started learning how to navigate the dangerous waters.  I had an image of what was possible and what I wanted to be.  I wanted to be stronger and feel safer.  So, I got my first set of weights.  There were actual words for what I was feeling, and I wanted to write them down and wear them on my sleeve.  So, I did just that.  I wanted to find music, books, and movies that I related to.  So, I began searching.  This was pre-internet by the way, so it wasn’t easy.  I would make a two-hour roundtrip drive every week to get a cassette or magazine.  I was operating in the dark most of the time.  But I had a lighthouse.

Do you have a lighthouse?  If you don’t have one, find one.  Find something or someone to help you orient yourself.  Get an image of where you want to be and just point yourself in that direction.   Identify qualities that several people have and form an idea of what you want for yourself.  But don’t just imitate someone.   Learn from them.  Be inspired by them.  Use them as a guide through dangerous waters.  And listen to Black Flag.