July 31, 2024
Get Better at Feeling Bad
I don’t want to feel “bad.” I don’t want to feel depressed or anxious or small or insecure or overwhelmed. I doubt you want to feel those emotions, either. Clients come in all the time looking to feel better, to not feel those difficult emotions. Earlier in my career, my goal was to help clients in that pursuit. Now, that’s still A goal in my work. But it’s not THE goal. Now, another goal is to get better at feeling bad.
People struggle with feeling pain. We try to fix it, run from it, deny it; anything we can do to avoid having to experience it. That fear and avoidance drives addiction. It creates additional (delayed-onset) pain when we engage in unhealthy behaviors and thought patterns in order to avoid the feelings that we fear. This creates a cycle of pain, fear, and avoidance that gains momentum the more often we engage in it.
The driver of this self-perpetuating cycle isn’t the hard emotion. It’s the fear that the emotion will be unbearable. I frequently tell clients that I don’t believe in the concept of boredom. I think “boredom” is the name we give to empty space and time in which we start to feel difficult emotions. When a client says, “I’m not good at being bored” I ask, “what do you start to think about and feel when you’re bored?”
Many people will avoid “boredom” because they’re afraid of what they might have to think about and feel. They’re afraid of how painful it might be. The problem, then, isn’t the pain; it’s the fear of pain. The more we avoid pain, the more our psyche sees it as something worth avoiding.
We’ve got to get better at feeling bad. We’ve got to stop seeing it as an end point in which we’ll be stuck. Pain is a part of life. Pain is a transient experience. It’s not the enemy. If we see it as those things, we can remove some of its power. With that mindset we can know that it doesn’t have to be something we’ll be willing to avoid at all costs.
I’ve been told that the difference between cows and buffalo is this: when a storm is approaching, cows will try to run away from it, getting caught in the rain for a longer period of time. Buffalo will head into the storm, allowing them to be rained on for a shorter period of time. Be a buffalo. Get better at feeling bad by allowing yourself to feel bad.
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October 30, 2023
Accurate Words
“Good” isn’t an emotion. If I ask a client how they’re feeling and they say “good,” I remind them that’s not a feeling and it’s too nebulous. I can guess what they mean by “good” but it’s still a guess and I might be wrong. People use those nondescript words so often; those words that are up to interpretation. Someone misinterpreting the word “good” may not have big consequences. But what if you’re part of a couple on the verge of an argument, starting to become more emotional as you’re both trying to be understood?
This is probably the most important lesson I’ve learned from doing couples therapy – use words and phrases that most accurately convey a thought and emotion. About three years ago, in a couple’s session, I watched the couple start to quickly escalate into anger despite the fact that they were saying the same thing. They weren’t arguing opposing views. If most anger comes from feelings of fear and powerlessness, I asked myself why they would be feeling afraid and powerless if they’re not disagreeing. Obviously, they don’t feel understood, so they must be describing different concepts despite using the same words. I stopped and asked them both to go into more depth about what they were hearing from each other, not what they were saying. What was heard wasn’t exactly what was said, because what was said wasn’t exact.
There’s a split-second that happens leading up to, and during conflict couples have. Because one or both of them is not describing something as accurately as possible, they are misunderstood, therefore unheard, leading to a disruption in the connection. Panic and anger ensue. Repeat this pattern long enough and couples start to exist in a state of disconnection and instability. When this split-second moment happens in sessions I stop everything immediately and then I start to ask them clarifying questions until they realize “oh I thought you meant…”
When it happens in individual sessions, I have the same response. Even though I’m fairly certain I know what the client means, I start asking them clarifying questions so they can refine what they’re saying in the most accurate way possible. I’ll do this over and over until they develop the skill that allows for deeper and more informative conversations, as well as greater connection, intimacy, and peace.
Become more nitpicky in conversations. When it feels like a conversation has suddenly gone off the rails, stop and ask what the other person heard you say. Stop and tell them you want to make sure you understand what they’re saying. Give them and yourself a better chance to be understood.
Example of an interaction with inaccurate phrasing:
Partner 1: I feel like you hate me.
Partner 2: (Insulted and confused) What are you talking about?! I don’t hate you.
1: Well that’s how I feel.
2: You can’t tell me I’m doing something just because you say you feel it! I can’t take this! I’m leaving.
Inaccurate turned accurate:
1: I feel like you hate me.
2: Hate?
1: Well, that you don’t like me.
2: What do you mean you feel it? You believe it?
1: I don’t know. I’m scared that you’re liking me less.
2: Is there something I’m doing that indicates I like you less?
1: You’ve been getting home later for a couple of weeks. I’m afraid that you don’t want to be around me and I’m worried you’ll leave. Do you like being around me?
2: Of course I do. But right now I just need more lighthearted conversation. You’ve been upset about work for a while and I know you need to support but I don’t have the mental space to listen at the end of every day. So I’ve been getting home later. I was scared it would lead to a fight if I told you, so I avoided the conversation.
1: I didn’t mean to be negative.
2: I know. And I’m sorry work is stressful right now. Let’s just make sure we have fun talk too.
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September 4, 2022
Parenting Tips Part 1
Parenting might be the hardest job there is. There are very few breaks. The stakes are high. There’s really no way to do it perfectly. There’s a particular kind of fear that only parents feel. That fear can sometimes blur their vision and lead to lapses in parental judgment. Over the last nineteen years I’ve probably worked with 5000 kids and families, so my sample size is large and diverse. Based on that, I have these parenting tips:
- Parents often ask for help in determining an appropriate and effective consequence. Truthfully, I don’t even use the word “consequence” very often these days. I prefer “response.” Although important, the content of the response is less important than the follow through. Parents sometimes don’t follow through completely because it’s inconvenient, they feel guilty because their child is unhappy about the response, they want their child to “like” them, they forget, they think their child has learned their lesson, they want the complaining to end, and a lot of other reasons. EVERYTHING REINFORCES SOMETHING. Not following through on a response does teach something. It teaches that stated limits aren’t actual limits. It teaches that escalating behavior by screaming or complaining is a way out of accountability. It teaches poor boundary setting. You know who has difficulty setting and holding boundaries as adults? Every new person that walks through my office door. So…take a beat to come up with your response. Make it something that you can follow through with. Once you state the response (set the boundary,) follow through (hold the boundary.)
- Parents set the foundation on which the child grows. Parents must present a united front. Never undermine each other in front of the children. EVERYTHING REINFORCES SOMETHING. That teaches the child that one parent is mean and overreacting when they enforce a limit. It reinforces that what that parent thinks and feels doesn’t have to be respected because you, the other parent, isn’t respecting them. That is not fair to your partner or your child. If you think the other parent is overly emotional in the moment, have a nonverbal cue that lets them know it’s ok to tap out because you’ll back them up. After that, parents can discuss it outside of the child’s presence. At that time, adjustments can be made. Disagreements can be heard. When you follow up with the child, it must be presented as “we.” Do not tell your kids “Your father wants this…” or “Your mother says…” Picture each parent holding an end of a board. On that board is a glass of water. If parents aren’t operating as a team, one end of the board raises or drops. The cup doesn’t have a solid foundation and will spill or tip over. Work as a team by communicating and making adjustments.
- The number one question I ask parents is this. “Does your child know you’re passionate about being their parent?” If you think they do, what makes you believe that? Working to earn money to provide a roof doesn’t convey that passion. Showing up to some games and looking at your phone doesn’t convey that passion. Energy, directed toward them conveys passion. Energy directed to a common task, alongside them conveys passion. Curiosity conveys passion. Get down on their level and engage with them. You don’t like Pokemon? Neither do I. So what? Spend some time expressing curiosity about the things your child is interested in, even if it’s Pokemon. When they find the next thing they’re interested in, show curiosity about that. Be curious about their thoughts and feelings. This is one of the most important building blocks of self-worth. If a person doesn’t know that their caretakers are passionate and interested in them, how can they trust that anyone else really is? How can they trust that they don’t have to alter themselves to have people want them?
Obviously, this is just the tip of the iceberg. There will be another part or ten.
Also, I followed through on my commitment from the previous post because just like I said, doing so impacts the way I see myself.
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August 24, 2022
Gratitude Lists
Writing gratitude lists is one of those suggestions that you hear from therapists all the time. Truthfully, I think sometimes it’s a recommendation that’s made because it’s the therapist thing to do. But I suggest it all the time. So how do you know that I’m not recommending it out of habit? I recommend it because I make my gratitude list daily, and I can attest to its benefits.
First, most of us need structure; a skeleton for our days, upon which we can build. Gratitude lists are a part of that structure for me. Every morning involves making my list followed by a meditation. Approaching my morning in a deliberate way puts me in the driver’s seat for the rest of the day. The content of my gratitude list is less important than the act of following through with the commitment. The way I see myself impacts my behavior, which impacts the way I see myself. Being able to move through the rest of my day with the knowledge that I kept my commitment to myself helps keep negative self-talk at bay. It allows me to feel advocated for. It helps me feel like I’m a man of integrity who follows through on his word even when no one is watching. I carry this around with me. Contrast this with having the knowledge that I just chose not to do the thing I know is good for me, and that instead I squandered that time – I don’t want that feeling. Given the choice between the two, I pick the healthy pride.
Second, how many people open their eyes in the morning just to immediately grab their phone and look at social media or the news? Think about the direction in which that points you. You’re already greeting others before you’ve greeted yourself. You’re receiving everyone else’s “information,” or more accurately being bombarded by messages that lead to comparisons, emotional upheaval, and negativity before you’re on solid ground. Now, imagine the impact on your mind and body if you spend a few minutes in gratitude for what YOU have rather than looking at what others have, a few minutes thinking about what’s RIGHT in your life before thinking about what’s wrong in the world. Start your day with positives.
Third, taking a few minutes to sit and take stock of the positive things in my life helps me feel more present, more tethered to the moment rather than swept up in the past or future. Spending a few minutes in gratitude requires me to pause and look around. I’m a little prone to some existential angst, which takes me out of the moment and robs me of the little joys. Writing down some things that I am genuinely grateful for helps the here and now feel more important, even though it’s a blip in the grand scheme of time.
I encourage everyone to spend a couple of minutes every morning giving thought to the things in their life they’re grateful for, and then writing down five. Today my list is:
- It’s a rainy day.
- Harold and Maude
- This old desk
- I slept well.
- Funny texts from my sister
Also, I commit to writing another blog post within two weeks. Now that I’ve put it out there, I have to.
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September 2, 2021
Find Your Lighthouse
British comedies and Headbanger’s Ball on MTV got me through high school. I recorded them on Saturday and Sunday and watched them over and over throughout the week. I’d sit in school and think about them as classes dragged on. In 1992 hair metal was dead. Grunge was taking over the mainstream and Headbanger’s Ball was playing Alice in Chains (love em) and Soundgarden (eh.)
On one particular night, something different came on: “Low Self Opinion” by Rollins Band. It’s a stark looking video, filmed almost entirely in black and white. There’s no storyline. No scenery. Just the band. They’re shown as silhouettes against a white background, leading up to a silhouetted profile of the vocalist, who turns to the camera as his face is illuminated and he yells “I think you’ve got a low self-opinion, man. I see you standing all by yourself. Unable to express the pain of your distress, you withdraw deeper inside…”
Right in the middle of all these videos with the stereotypical metal-look comes something else. Built like a brick house, tattooed with things like “More Than Soul,” the Crimson Ghost (the Misfits logo,) the Black Flag bars, and a massive back piece of a sun with the words “Search & Destroy” written across the top is Henry Rollins. The tattoos were done by Rick Spellman. I know this because I was hungry for what this guy had, and I went on a hunt to get it. Sitting on a creaky wooden chair in my dark room, watching this video, something changed. There was a light pointing in a direction I didn’t know existed. There was a lighthouse.
The purpose of a lighthouse is to guide ships through dangerous waters, to safety. Henry Rollins became my lighthouse. This guy looked solid, substantial, capable of handling what was coming at him. He was looking straight ahead and yelling what was in my head and heart. I immediately had something to orient myself. But that wasn’t all. I found a double cassette of a Rollins spoken word show. I didn’t even know there was such a thing as spoken word performance. It had humor but it wasn’t comedy. He wasn’t reciting anything. No band. Just Rollins on stage telling stories. Most of those stories involved hard-earned lessons, disappointments, loss, and anger. They weren’t feel-good stories, but they allowed me to feel good because I felt less alone and I started to understand that there was more than what was right in front of me. Through those spoken word shows I found more shows. Through all of them I started to learn about Black Flag, John Coltrane, Harold and Maude, weightlifting, poetry, books, and a thousand other things that then led me to even more things that have become important to me.
Although I didn’t realize it at the time, I started learning how to navigate the dangerous waters. I had an image of what was possible and what I wanted to be. I wanted to be stronger and feel safer. So, I got my first set of weights. There were actual words for what I was feeling, and I wanted to write them down and wear them on my sleeve. So, I did just that. I wanted to find music, books, and movies that I related to. So, I began searching. This was pre-internet by the way, so it wasn’t easy. I would make a two-hour roundtrip drive every week to get a cassette or magazine. I was operating in the dark most of the time. But I had a lighthouse.
Do you have a lighthouse? If you don’t have one, find one. Find something or someone to help you orient yourself. Get an image of where you want to be and just point yourself in that direction. Identify qualities that several people have and form an idea of what you want for yourself. But don’t just imitate someone. Learn from them. Be inspired by them. Use them as a guide through dangerous waters. And listen to Black Flag.
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April 29, 2021
Everything Reinforces Something
What are you doing right now? Well, obviously you’re ready this blog. But why are you reading it? You’re probably looking for a way to feel better. So, you’re taking an action in an attempt to make that happen. What does that reinforce in your psyche? Among other things, it reinforces that no matter how powerless or hopeless you might feel, no matter how low your self-esteem might be, you’re still worth the effort of researching. It reinforces in your psyche that there must be a way to feel better. It reinforces that you are capable of taking action.
Now, what if you had told yourself that there’s no point in trying and you hadn’t gotten online to start doing a little research into finding a therapist? What would that have reinforced? Maybe it would have reinforced that you aren’t capable of making a small effort, that your situation can’t be improved, or that you aren’t worth the effort. What would be the implications of that in terms of depression, anxiety, addiction, etc.?
The ego (the way we see ourselves, and subsequently the way we engage the world around us) is an accumulation of thoughts, feelings, and experiences. The way I see and feel about myself and therefore the decisions I make today, are influenced by the way I saw and felt about myself and the decisions I made yesterday.
As children we learn to cope with stressors, including trauma, in many different ways. We collect those tools of coping, some of which are more reliable than others, day after day. Those tools (decisions) influence the way that people respond to us, which influences the way we see ourselves. And how we respond to stressors shapes what we see ourselves as capable of doing.
Here’s an example: When I ran an outpatient program for children and adolescents, sometimes a client would start to feel anxious. Because they, their parents, and other therapists had used the term “panic attack” so often, they would start to see “heightened anxiety” as a panic attack. Since panic attacks often do require immediate intervention, they would ask for a medication in that moment. With a calm, assured tone and affect, one of my responses was something to the effect of “Yeah I can get that for you. Give me five minutes and let’s go get it together.” The client would usually have the experience of being able to tolerate something they didn’t think they could tolerate. They begin to see themselves in a slightly different manner, which influences what they think they can do next time. And next time, I would have them give me two more minutes than last time.
We don’t always realize that we have an option to respond differently and therefore see ourselves differently. Everything reinforces something.
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February 15, 2021
Why do so many of us find it difficult to sit down and journal? We can write to-do lists, notes to others, texts, even gratitude lists. But there’s something about the free-form writing that gets us stuck. For some, it’s the fear of examining difficult topics or feeling certain emotions. In my case, I start to look at what I’m writing through the lens of what someone would think if they read it. I’m even doing it right now.
So why is it important that I try to write this blog? It’s important that I try because it’s difficult for me to do, because I want to improve in my writing, and because I made the commitment to myself to try. Just like seated meditation. Doing things mindfully isn’t that difficult for me. I can walk mindfully, eat mindfully, even butter my toast mindfully. But I need the seated time because it doesn’t come as easily. I want to improve at it. I need the seated time because I committed to doing it.
My favorite idea in Stoic philosophy comes from Marcus Aurelius. He discussed the idea that “the obstacle is the way.” He wrote “the impediment to action advances action. What stands in the way becomes the way.” The answer to every difficult situation isn’t to just push through. By the same token, what does it reinforce in our perception of ourselves if we default to avoiding or working around the difficult task? I talk a lot in sessions about the idea of “process vs. content.” In short, I think that often times, when it concerns issues that bring people to therapy, what we do can be less important than the act of doing. Regardless of how good a meditation session is, or how good this blog entry is, the act of meditating and writing is already a success, simply because I’m doing what isn’t easy.
Following through on what I commit to doing for others is an act of respect and love. Following through on my commitments to myself is an act of self-respect and self-care. It’s treating myself the way I want others to treat me. Just because I’m the giver and the receiver doesn’t make it any less important. Following through on my commitments to myself reinforces that I am worth effort. I am worth struggle. I am competent.
So, once I click “publish,” my mission is accomplished. I hope this resonates with someone. But even if no one reads it, it’s an important and successful effort.
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Ian Birdwell 